I don't know where my need to please came from, it certainly doesn't always show up, but when it does I'm in over my head. Which is why when I was offered a job as a line cook immediately after my stage, I said yes. Without question, no time to think it over, just yes. I said yes even though it doesn't pay well and its part-time which mean I'd have to keep my other full-time job. Even though it meant working three doubles the next week and working every weekend night for the foreseeable future. I said yes to coming in that day even though I was supposed to be driving out of town and I struggled to say I couldn't start the very next day.
I said yes, I walked out of the office, sent some excited texts, and got my first employee meal. I got in my car and the weight of what I had just agreed to hit me. I cried. I cried because my pitiful 34 hours a week leaves me completely drained and I had just taken on another 20. I made my boyfriend tell me that we would be okay, that we wouldn't get lost in the endless hours and scheduling conflicts that come with working in separate kitchens. I started calculating how many hours of sleep I would be able to get. I panicked.
With the complete understanding that my thoughts could not be trusted, I drove to the nearest place of comfort. The cafe. The cafe where I've worked for the last three years. Where I've worked every station and know almost all the answers. Where I've fallen in love in every way. For the first time in months, this place soothed me. I'm still a little in love here, even though my days bring more stress than sanity, there is still a magic that I haven't gotten enough of.
This past week as my anxiety over working two jobs has persisted, talking to people in about it in this space has been a huge reassurance. Being told that I'm doing a good thing, that I'm following a path even when I can't see it has brought back an excitement I thought I'd lost. When I go to my new job I have lightness that comes with newness and maybe a hint of naiveté, and when I go to my not new job I have the creature comforts of knowledge and familiarity.
I have no idea where this path will lead, but I invite you to watch life unfold with me.